the last goodnight

rest in peace, Mathilda

good girl, Mathilda. ❤️

born ~ Dec 2, 2008

died ~ October 22, 2023

she was born on my kitchen floor in the middle of the night. she was one of the greatest gifts anyone could ever hope for.

i’d brought Larry home because i didn’t want a puppy. i wanted to skip the chaos of puppyhood and go straight to a trainable, adult dog. when i realized Larry was pregnant, i immediately started making plans to sell or give away the puppies.

but sometime around midnight (night of December 2nd, morning of December 3) Larry gave birth to only one huge puppy. i fell in love immediately, and the chaos began.

Mathilda had the run of the place. never had to fight for milk or love or attention. this litterless aberration of pup development definitely made her a bit spoiled, but i suppose i’m equally at fault. Larry was jealous, but we found our rhythm as a trio. mothers don’t typically stay with their young, but we worked it out, and they were inseparable.

and the chaos. she’d leave the yard to check out nearby horses. she pooped and peed where she pleased. she ate whatever we’d put in front of her, whether it was meant to be eaten or not, like Chris Crumley’s Tom Clancy paperbacks (sorry, Chris!). but it was the most delightful, lovely chaos.

i began training her around 3 months. by the time she started forming permanent memories around 6 months, she already knew her name and basic commands. and she knew how to learn, and she knew to obey.

she was the most obedient dog. if it weren’t for Larry’s mischievous influence, i could have trained Mathilda to do anything. even in her twilight years, i taught her to hit a button that said “hungry!” when she wanted a treat. she would obey even when she clearly didn’t want to. it’s like she didn’t know she had a choice. and that obedience came from trusting me. and she would sit at my feet and just stare at me. she never wanted toys, or to play or go for walks. she just wanted to sit at my feet and stare at me and be loved. i always said i wish i could love The Lord the way Mathilda loves me.

she was with Larry from the beginning; she never knew life without her… until we were without her. a few days after, i gave Mathilda a treat, and she dropped it; Larry always got the first one. i finally convinced her to take it, and she went roaming through the house with it. not wanting crumbs in my bedroom carpet, i sent her outside, treat still in her mouth. she got down the stairs, and looked around… looking for Larry. i let her eat her treat in the bedroom, and i sat in the kitchen and wept.

a week after Larry died, Mathilda had a seizure in the middle of the night, from the stress of the separation, i suppose. until that moment, she never really showed any age, despite being 13 already. over the next year and a half, she slowly declined. there were three or four times i thought it was the end. but thanks to some excellent care by Dr. Bobby Blaylock and others at Animal Care Veterinary Hospital, she’d bounce back and we’d get a few more months together.

yesterday, she was mostly okay (the meaning of “okay” has changed month to month) and ate half her breakfast.  she got sick later that morning, i think something pulmonary/heart related. she moped the rest of the day, occasionally getting up to wander aimlessly around the house. she wouldn’t eat or drink and became lethargic. eventually she laid down in her bed, exhausted.

and while i wish i could have been there with her to the very end, i was able to spend our last evening together cuddling with her, singing to her, and telling her if she needs to go on, it’s okay. and of course, i told her i loved her. then i went to bed and prayed for it go quickly one way or the other. and The Lord is Good.

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she died on my kitchen floor in the middle of the night. she was one of the greatest gifts anyone could ever hope for.

i dug her grave. dad gathered rocks. mom gathered flowers. i was doing fine until it was time to cover her up. then the realization that i was never going to see her again hit, and i wept.

she lies in rest next her momma, near our other family dogs, on our family farm. i etched her headstone and laid it in place. her collar hangs on the back door with Larry’s collar. i kept a rock from her gravesite.

i do miss her already. but i’m really not sad. we had the best life. the best life. a long life. she would have been 15 in December.

it’s very hard to describe the bond we had. not many people get to love something from the moment it’s born to its last breath. she was with me through the toughest times of my life. times when i prayed to God, please don’t take them from me now, i won’t be able to handle it. it’s hard to describe how i changed and grew, having to care for her, over the last few months especially. carrying her down the back steps several times a day. helping her eat. helping her up when her legs gave out. cleaning up after her. consoling her.

but knowing the end was near made every moment precious. every walk we took was our last walk, because, maybe it would be. every goodnight was our last goodnight, because maybe it would be. and every time we looked in each other’s eyes, we knew we had someone who loved us and would take care of us.

it’s going to be hard going back to an empty house. but i’m going to be fine. more than anything, i’m thankful she went quickly and peacefully.

but i’m gonna miss her. my best friend. my loyal pet. my buddy. i will never have another dog like her.

rest well, Mathilda, my baby. good girl. ❤️

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someday i’ll wish upon a star

and wake up where the clouds are far

behind me…

where troubles melt like lemon drops,

away, above the chimney tops —

that’s where

you’ll

find

me